Fairest of Them All
by LJ9
Summary: Jess just wants to be a dwarf.  A stand-alone companion to "A Sorta Fairytale."


This is what I was thinking of writing about before I wrote "A Sorta Fairytale."

**Disclaimer: **I do not own "New Girl" or any version of the Snow White story, and especially not Disney's.

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><p>"I feel like a dwarf."<p>

Schmidt's head is thrown back, resting on the back of the couch, but he can still see the game on TV. Most of it, anyway, since his nose blocks the view a little. The sound is turned way up because all day Jess has been flitting around the apartment in a blue dress, singing and cleaning and baking.

It's too easy. "Because you have a small—"

"No. I do not, Winston, and you know it. It's because we live with Snow White over there." Schmidt waves a hand toward the kitchen, where Jess is pulling sugar cookies out of the oven.

"So you're a dwarf."

"We're all dwarfs, man, don't try to kid yourself."

"Dwarves."

"What?"

"The plural of dwarf is dwarves," Winston says.

Schmidt makes a face at the ceiling. "No, it's not."

"Yep. Look, the plural of knife is knives, right? Therefore, the plural of dwarf is dwarves."

"Fine, but the plural of roof isn't rooves."

Before Winston can reply, Nick says, "Oh, hey, look, touchdown." They turn their attention from etymology and grammar back to the game. There is peace and football for a few minutes, but Winston knows that Schmidt doesn't let things go, so he decides to play along.

"Which dwarf are you, Schmidt?"

Schmidt smiles and sits up straighter. "Since we've all acknowledged that I am, in fact, the top dog, I think it's obvious that I'm Doc."

"You think you're Doc? That's like saying you're Yoda. You're Dopey."

"No, _you're_ Dopey," Schmidt answers heatedly. Nick scoffs at the lameness of the putdown. "At least I'm not Grumpy."

Nick shrugs, beer in hand. So he's Grumpy. He's secure in his Grumpiness.

"Who do you think you are?" his best friend demands of Winston.

"Call me crazy, but I've never thought about it."

"You're thinking about it now."

Luckily for Winston, he doesn't have to think long. Jess appears at the edge of their vision (during a commercial; Nick appreciates that) and sets a plate of cookies down on the coffee table. "Whatcha talkin' about?"

"Dwarfs," Schmidt sighs.

"Dwarves."

"You're supposed to call them 'little people,'" she admonishes, frowning slightly.

"Like in 'Snow White,'" Schmidt clarifies. "We're discussing which ones we are."

"Oh, that's easy," she says dismissively. She points toward each roommate in turn, beaming at them. "Winston is Sleepy, because when we met he was sleeping; Schmidt is Sneezy, because when he gets upset he splutters like he's sneezing; and Nick is Bashful, because…" She trails off and gives him an exaggerated head-to-toe-and-back appraisal, topped off with an outrageous wink. His mouth hangs open and dammit if he doesn't actually start blushing. At least she didn't call him Grumpy.

Her judgment rendered, Jess asks, "Which dwarf am I?" and strikes a pose.

They look at each other. "You're not a dwarf," Winston tells her.

"What?" She drops her hands.

Slowly, Schmidt explains, "You're not a dwarf. You're the princess."

She looks—hurt? "No! I'm Happy!" Contrary to her statement, she starts to pout.

"Are you serious?" Nick is incredulous, as per usual. "You come in to a house full of guys and you want to take care of everybody."

"You think I'm Doc?"

"No! You're Snow White! Have you _looked_ at yourself? You've got the long dark hair and the pale skin and you're definitely the most beautiful one in this apartment." Nick can't believe he's said that, but the other two are nodding in agreement.

Jess is either taken aback or the least willing princess ever, maybe both. "Well… fine. But none of you are dwarfs!"

"Dwarves."

"Because dwarfs don't end up with princesses, and all of you will. You are all princes, and you will all find your true loves." She is firm, and Schmidt comes out of his slouch completely. He _does_ feel more like a prince than a dwarf, really.

"And we'll all live happily ever after?" Nick's question is deadpan, but while he tries to smirk, it ends up a real smile.

Jess' own smile is pleased and hopeful. "Yes! All of us will all live happily ever after."

And after many years, and vanquishing the dragons of lost dreams and emotional insecurity and commitment phobia and jealousy and a hundred other things beside…they do.

The End.


End file.
